2015 was a very full and ( mostly) good year for us.
My hubby left his high stress job in corrections to a job that he loves as a construction manager. We are moving from our small house to a much bigger house. We had bouts of pneumonia and I passed out for the first time ( exciting lol). We got to see a niece and nephew that live a ways away and meet our gorgeous grand-nephew but lost a brother to Oklahoma ( perhaps the only state more barren than Kansas) ! Emma decided to get good at reading and really put emotion into her pages and Noah seems to remember anything that is taught in song form. Isaiah is going to have his own knife design made and Judah is starting to talk a lot more. I am more in love with my family than ever before and feel truly blessed every day.
While the physical and financial aspects of life have been increasingly blessed and appreciated my souls growth hasn't been as enjoyable.
. I have done a lot of internal reflection this year. I see my weaknesses as a woman, a wife, a mother and a Christian. I am facing my struggles more honestly and praying for grace and forgiveness much more regularly.
While the physical and financial aspects of life have been increasingly blessed and appreciated my souls growth hasn't been as enjoyable.
. I have done a lot of internal reflection this year. I see my weaknesses as a woman, a wife, a mother and a Christian. I am facing my struggles more honestly and praying for grace and forgiveness much more regularly.
I think a lot about my wonderfully patient husband and how that my fear of betrayal kept my from being truly immersed in my marriage for way too many years. God has used him to teach me that it is possible to truly trust in another person and to believe that it's true when they say "I love you". Before him I had never known anyone that wouldn't tear me down, either in person or to others.
I also think a lot about my children and how I may make them feel. I think about the future and how much I want them to be able to trust me and each other and how hard it is to trust in God if that trust is lost. I think about the past and that I have learned an awful lot about trust over the years. My influence upon my child's heart is so powerful; No one can destroy your ability to trust like an untrustworthy parent! Whether it's physical abandonment or emotional manipulation or it's the "small" errors of insults, back biting, face slapping, gossip,putting walls between siblings, etc.. Or the unimaginable betrayals and abuses.
I also think a lot about my children and how I may make them feel. I think about the future and how much I want them to be able to trust me and each other and how hard it is to trust in God if that trust is lost. I think about the past and that I have learned an awful lot about trust over the years. My influence upon my child's heart is so powerful; No one can destroy your ability to trust like an untrustworthy parent! Whether it's physical abandonment or emotional manipulation or it's the "small" errors of insults, back biting, face slapping, gossip,putting walls between siblings, etc.. Or the unimaginable betrayals and abuses.
Once you know what a person will do for selfish gain and spiritual pride you would be a fool to forget it. When a person has a long and repeated history of back stabbing and abuse they should never be trusted.
I often fear that I will accidentally do something to crush the trust my own children have for me. It would be one of my worst nightmares to destroy such a precious gift. That is a thing that you can never get back. Then I remind myself that the fact that I love my children causes me to deny selfishness and cherish their hearts. Love and selfishness are true opposites!
So, with that said, I am struggling to accept the permanency of the death of trust caused by other people's selfish and sick hearts, without letting is cause any more emotional and relational destruction in my own. I am trying to use the things Satan did,(through his too-willing tools), be turned into something that is used for the good of my children. I am trying to keep the things done to me and said to me be parental figures from crippling my own ability to parent.
I often fear that I will accidentally do something to crush the trust my own children have for me. It would be one of my worst nightmares to destroy such a precious gift. That is a thing that you can never get back. Then I remind myself that the fact that I love my children causes me to deny selfishness and cherish their hearts. Love and selfishness are true opposites!
So, with that said, I am struggling to accept the permanency of the death of trust caused by other people's selfish and sick hearts, without letting is cause any more emotional and relational destruction in my own. I am trying to use the things Satan did,(through his too-willing tools), be turned into something that is used for the good of my children. I am trying to keep the things done to me and said to me be parental figures from crippling my own ability to parent.
I have spent a lot of years just trying to ignore the wickedness and the damage it has caused my heart,because I wanted something that I've never really had with the source-s,and because I want to be forgiven for my own sins, but Ignoring an amputated leg doesn't help you walk.
So I am learning from the failures of others and working on my own. I will not feel guilty for never again trusting untrustworthy people or not wanting to have them involved in my daily life,but I will do my best to be polite to them.
I will try to be humble and honest with my children. I will never insult their femininity or masculinity. I will never take the side of their enemy. I will never use the law to control them . I will never talk badly about them to others. I will never make them distrust their own siblings with insults and gossip... I will always pray for them, encourage them and, even though I will fail, I will try my best not to fail them so badly that it breaks their heart.
I will spend more time cuddling. Reading,playing and complimenting. I will try to know my children as people and not as extensions of myself. I will be proud of their accomplishments because they are wonderful and not because it makes me look good to be their mother. I will pray, pray, pray and always LOVE.
2016 is a very hopeful year for us as we grow closer, wiser and bolder.
God is good and He will not betray our trust or fail us!
I will try to be humble and honest with my children. I will never insult their femininity or masculinity. I will never take the side of their enemy. I will never use the law to control them . I will never talk badly about them to others. I will never make them distrust their own siblings with insults and gossip... I will always pray for them, encourage them and, even though I will fail, I will try my best not to fail them so badly that it breaks their heart.
I will spend more time cuddling. Reading,playing and complimenting. I will try to know my children as people and not as extensions of myself. I will be proud of their accomplishments because they are wonderful and not because it makes me look good to be their mother. I will pray, pray, pray and always LOVE.
2016 is a very hopeful year for us as we grow closer, wiser and bolder.
God is good and He will not betray our trust or fail us!
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