Exhausted

 You would think that I would be an expert at the no sleeping/ baby care thing, as this is my fourth after all.

I'm not an expert, in fact. I feel like I'm completely overwhelmed.

 My precious boy is congested, pukes a lot and has a sore bottom. I've been sleeping on the reclining couch, surrounded by pillows, so that I can hold him upright all night since he was born. I had one night in my bed but was so worried about him that I barely slept a wink.

My back aches, my incision is still sore, the house is a disaster area, the kids are a mess, my four year old needs a lot more attention and cuddles than he's getting , I have only slept in tiny spurts FOR MONTHS and I barely  eat. I had to give up caffeine...and possibly all hope of sanity.

 I generally look on the bright side of things but sometimes honesty and humility don't sparkle and shine.

 I know it will pass and I know that all this will soon be a distant memory.

What I don't know is how to keep it together, stop being a cry baby, or stop feeling like Our life is falling apart. I look around and feel like a failure.

I don't want to be needed for one more thing. I don't want reminded of all the things I'm NOT doing. I don't want to see my girls hair still messy and my boys bored and restless. I don't want to want nothing more than real sleep, and to be left completely alone! I don't want to feel annoyed..about EVERYTHING.

Tonight my husband asked me what's wrong and then answered his own question with "just tired?"

 I love my husband dearly, I really do, but the words "JUST TIRED" keep ringing in my head and I swear they brought feelings of violence along with them!

 I had surgery less than three weeks ago. It may sound sappy but it's a trauma, at least for me. I think that c sections are so common that people forget it's not normal. My head understands what's going on but I think the body reacts to the trauma and the emotions follow. There's an emotional war between my thoughts and my feelings. I know this but knowing doesn't stop it.

 I feel like I've been drained and have nothing left to give. I feel lonely and wish I could explain it to my husband In A much better way. I need refilled. I need some one sided affection and no expectations. 

I'm sure there are some moms out there that can understand.