Bad memories and good lessons on emotional decluttering...

(reposted from 2017) Today I had an emotional encounter with my 10 year old over a decorative box. Well, the literal box was the thing that started to open the figurative "box" that held my long suppressed emotions. 19 years ago I had a very bad miss-carriage. I was about 3 months pregnant when I lost the baby and almost lost my life. It was both physically and emotionally traumatic. It was a long and harrowing experience but the summary is that I was gushing so much blood that I had to sit in the tub and on the toilet. I passed out and had an "out of body experience" where I felt myself getting further and further away from my body and told God that I couldn't go; I couldn't leave. After I came back into my body and regained semi-consciousness my husband carried me down the apartment stairs and to the emergency room. The doctors didn't know how I was conscious after such extreme blood loss. Other than my husband I was alone through this experience. My mother was staying out of my life,because she didn't like that I had married my husband, and was moving all of my siblings to another state to escape the stress that was me not following her dreams. After I was home again my husband drove the 25 miles to my mothers home to tell her what had happened in the hopes that I would have some love and support. My mother wasn't home so he told my little brother. Thanks to the constant input of hate my siblings had been hearing they assumed that my husband was such a wicked sinner that he was probably lying and didn't bother to relay the message. Months later my mother found out and thought that giving me a memorial for my baby in the form of a tiny ring, on a pillow, in a box, would be appropriate. So for 19 years I kept this box. I kept a constant reminder of one of the worst periods in my life. I kept a reminder of death, abandonment, nightly sobbing, rejection, loss and sorrow. Every time I looked at that box I relived that horrible part of my life...and yet I kept it. so many times I thought about throwing it away but didn't. Today I asked myself "why?" and I decided that I felt like that box was somehow connected to the baby and so I'd feel guilty about getting rid of it. But today I got past that. I know that thinking about my pain and about my mothers abandonment is not how I want to remember my baby. That was MY baby, and she had nothing to do with it. She wasn't happy that I was pregnant or an encouragement in any way. If the baby would have lived she probably would have gained interest in being around, but because of the baby, not out of motherly love. Yes, I know that she "didn't know" and that my siblings get to take the blame for that, but to be honest, that is nonsense. If she had been around she would have known. She would have been checking on me and we wouldn't have been having phone calls rejected and messages ignored. So....today. Today my child sees the box in the trash and RUNS in to ask me why I would do that, with a bit of an accusatory tone, and I was too put off and emotional not to tell her. So I was crying, and she was crying, and she told me that she would have been there for me if she could have been. I told her that there is nothing she could ever do to make me cut her off and abandon her; I told her that real love means that mommy's love their children NO MATTER WHAT. We cried. And I felt bad. But it was kind of good in the end. It was good to actually SAY how that box made me feel and to face the needy, guilt- burdened part of me that lets people and things cause me pain...year...after year...after year. It was good for me to throw it away, and NOT hide it. It was also good to remember that my husband was there for me, even back then. He has always been the one who doesn't run away. He is the one who cleaned up my blood, wiped my tears, held me when I wept, brought me food, called the doctors and kept me going. God used a horrible time to show me that someone can love me in BAD times. And because of those horrible experiences we love each other more and TRULY appreciate each of our children as the gifts that they are. So, there is a lesson to be learned. If you have objects that make you keep past pains and wounds raw in your mind get rid of them. Material things should be useful, beautiful, or pleasant. Things can keep us weighted down if they do not qualify for any of the aforementioned attributes.